fun, no longer--my battle

music: core of soul-somebody loves you mood: lonely

it was fun at first, having to shed all those extra pounds and unsightly bulges. pretty and tight clothes, once again fit my body like a glove. that was what happened AT FIRST.

form 5 was the year where i heard all about self-induced vomitting, from a friend who does it for 'indigestion problems'. out of curiousity, i did it for the first time after one of my big meals. stucking two fingers into my throat was all i knew, it was difficult at first but after the feat of pushing it deeper and deeper into my throat, every bit of the meal came pouring out full blast from my mouth. i really never thought of continuing it again because it felt so horrible, but dear god...i actually got hooked to it. i dropped from 48kg to 45kg in two weeks' time, just to fit into that prom dress i borrowed from my small-framed cousin.

the urge to vomit stopped eventually when i reached Alpha since i'm living with so many housemates under a roof, it wouldn't have been a good sign if they heard me vomiting in the toilet for too many times. i controlled my food intake at first, but for no reason, i became lazy and so unbothered about the pounds i'm piling on slowly. i went onto binge eating, grabbing food within my sight,eating at every moment even though i don't feel hungry at all. i hated the mirror, the weighing machine and slim- bodied friends.

then it came back to me again. actually it didn't happened on purpose because it was caused by one of the bad ulcers around my mouth, so bad that i couldn't feel my food, that i can only finish half my food every single time, and that so happened to be during Chinese New Year. i became self conscious that i'm losing a little weight very slowly, then i was stucked right there.

i vomitted nearly every heavy meal that i had, counted calories of food and only crave for very low calorie ones. i couldn't get enough nutrients from my consumed food,i soon craved for laxatives for detoxifications. my clothes started getting baggier and baggier as my body became thinner and thinner. i get exhausion after climbing a few steps of stairs and felt like fainting when i stand too long.i'm weighing at 90 pounds, obviously too light for my height. i can feel the bones around my chest and back now, my colar bones painfully sticking out and my chest is getting smaller... the point is, i don't really cared about that! when people commented on how skinny i'm getting nowadays, i don't go as far as thinking it as a compliment BUT i never really bothered on gaining weight anymore. you want to know something even more idiotic? i can actually compare myself to other anorexic celebrities,whom i think isn't a nice sight at all. i don't understand myself anymore.

the stiff fact is, i'm suffering from eating disorder. yes, EATING DISORDER. from bullimia to binge eating to and bullimia again. i'm so scared to turn to anyone for proffesional help, i just want to stay thin and healthy, not thin and ill. i think my condition is improving now, at least i feel like eating some higher carbohidrate food than those i used to consume. it isn't easy AT ALL to fight this off since this just doesn't accumulate in a day. i need time, i just don't want to die so young.

i hope more people read what i've wrote here and i hope u guys can leave me some supporting comments~~

(oh yeah, i've found this really really weird phenomenon of pro-ana and pro-mia on the net where people, mostly young girls support eating disorders. here's a really sick site that i've found http://www.freewebs.com/ana__/wall.html. they actually teach people ways to hide ur food on a family outing, how to stop food cravings..etc. gross~)