music: Stevie Wonder-You are the sunshine of my life Mood: blank
i feel blank now, more to scared actually. i want to talk about my weight again and it's scaring me all over again.
3 weeks ago, i weighted at the clinic and asked the nurse whether the weighing machine is functioning properly (then she replied me saying tht most people don't seem to have any problems with the results).
2 weeks ago, i weighted myself in my room and barf at the figure that stared back at me. i kicked the weighing machine several times, tuned it and then stepped on it again. the same double digits swirled to a stop.
1 week ago, i weighted at the exercise equipment store on an electronic weighing machine AFTER dinner and there they were again, the nightmare-ish numbers.
37kg.
and 37.6kg after dinner.
what the hell is wrong with me?????
i've stumbled into some pro-ana and mia blogrings yesterday and that rotten feeling came back to me....again. Do u know how does it feel when you read pro-ana and pro-mia blog entries for 30 mins? Ghastly. absolutely horrific. All blogs have several common themes: Nicole Ritchie/Lindsay Lohan/ Mary-kate Olsen/ Keira knightly were their ultimate thinspiration (that's the common word found among the blogs); nearly all of them weight less than 110lbs and still equally thinks that they are OVERWEIGHT; most consume only a meal a day and felt really proud of it.
the longer i read these entries, the more i'm feeling scared, and the more i will come to think that i'm part of this world as well,which i absolutely have no intention of joining in. these girls DO crave for normal food (chocolate, ice cream, popcorn,pasta...) AND a will to stop themselves from consuming it. even if they eat it, they will definitely plurge it out, several times a day.
God, minus the plurging part (i've stopped that 2 or 3 months ago), i'm like, what, 99% in this situation! every morning when i look myself into the mirror, still undress, i swear my upper body look exactly like the thinspiration pictures posted in those nutty blogs. Is a 21 inch waist normal?? is it normal when counting chest and rib bones were actually easy?? is having a gollum-like back normal?? is it normal to just eat veges; vermicilli, soup-based food and fruits, nothing other than that continuously for a year?? is it normal to feel scared to let other people know what you have been eating lately?? is not visiting a fast food restaurant for a year normal?? is it normal to be glad when someone commented on your skeletonial figure?? is it normal to think that all of this is normal????
Oh God. i'm insane. i have an eating disorder.i'm anorexic!!
i wish to eat normally. i wish to have meals with my friends. i wish to eat those burgers and pizzas that i've been craving for so long. i wish my breasts would come back.i wish to wear my halter tops once again. i wish to finish that plate of fried rice, fried kuieh tiow, nasi pattaya, fried chicken that is on another person's table. How i wish.
someone please let me know when would that be....
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The ones that have walked before, teeth dripping with blood, skin white as snow... the truth will be told then. no one dies a virgin, life screws everyone of us.
About Me
- ~angelkit~
- Weird thinker.Nearly-there Achiever.Extreme-ends Follower.Stubborn Determinator.Sincere Listener.Enthusiastic Involver. Distinctive Extrovert.
9 comments:
U really must eat more and do more work in order the fine tune your weight back to normal. Eat more doesn't mean fattening as long as you do more workout then you can eat the things u always wanted to eat and have a normal weight and a nice figure at the same time. U always say you are lazy of doing workout because you have no energy. Thats because you eat less~! Last time when I 1st met you you really can eat and keep searching for nice food. And now you keep on over-controlling your diet and stick to just yogurt and apple as lunch. It doesn't mean that its not healthy but that is not a balanced diet. That is like yoga master's diet everytime before practising yoga. lol. Eat more protein food to gain more meat for your hand and back body. Less rice is fine but eat some meat. As long as you do workout more and by calculating your calories burnt you will be totally fine to eat more. Trust me ~!
yeah~ eat more eat more eat more! you look good with more flesh!
you could go for a 1 month food rampage and YET still be underweight! so have no worries... eat eat eat!
i know its easier said than done, but everything's gotta start SOMEwhere right?
try starting by having a small tiny weeny bit of choc blocks every morning b4 work. it should vitalize you sufficiently. at least its a start!
宣传宣传～～～
http://ngyee.blogspot.com/
走人。。。
PS：多吃点
heya kit ... firstly stop panicking. since you've realised that you might have a problem, that's already the first step towards recovery.
just stop freaking out about food so much!! seriously. you're smart and you're gorgeous and you're funny. you don't need food (or lack of food, for that matter) to determine who you are.
good luck ok. i know you can do it!!
to wao: thankx alot for being so tolerative even though i'm such a nuisance when it comes to food.i'll try to eat more meat, exercise more and try to gain more muscles than bones...i'll wait for u to become a muscle man too~ ^^
to ~风之翼~: i'll make sure the next time when u see me i'm packed with a little more meat okie? :) no guarantee that it'll look obvious but i'll try~it's a promise ~!
to 小喇叭:thankx for dropping by for a note =) i'll try really really hard to avoid myself from being too paranoid about my weight from now on ^^ oh yes, i've placed ur blog link at my page already ;)
to yenli: thankx for ALL the comments..so sweet of u ^^ my dad called me down yesterday to talk to me very solemnly about my eating problem, and said tht i wouldn't be hired into any company looking like a skinny drug addict -__- i know tht it's totally unpretty without boobs, so i'm working hard for the sake of my boobs heh heh^^
hi roomie...
am glad to have a glimpse of your blog...
im just wondering how u have been, thinking of my life back at uni...i really missed those times.. what im doin now, where i am, who im surrounded with everyday is not really a paradise..nothing is actually!
so much problems each day...they just seem to pile up..grw bigger and even deeper!worse still if you cant seem to find the cause of it...its really a whole different life after uni..
but where does all my strength come from?? i really cant bear to go through each day without thanking God of how He has graciously granted me each day to live and just share His goodness..
its tough life..but i presume its only a little bump along the way of our lives.
as for you roomie kit...i believe you can overcome this 'little' hiccup bump of aneroxia before it becomes a mountain!!
i really thought you have realised bout this disorder b4 i left... im not losing hope on you...
like what wao said, eating properly does not mean eating large amounts.. keeping fit & staying healthy can maintain your weight...but not by eating bits of food for an adult portion.
remember dear, as women, we must and have to maintain our health in order to live a happy life in the future.
not only getting hired for jobs...is about having our pride, confidence and stand up as a women!
eat properly...the portion that an adult should consume..
im pretty sure you have read the consequences about eating disorders...me and all of your friends DEFINITELY do not want anythng to happen to you.
step by step, a day at one time...try to increase your food intake....
like an old saying goes... the way to stop a habit is to starve it (means controlling yourself not to do it)...
but for you, the way to stop your disorder is by feeding it!!
Love you kit...
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