music: Stevie Wonder-You are the sunshine of my life Mood: blank
i feel blank now, more to scared actually. i want to talk about my weight again and it's scaring me all over again.
3 weeks ago, i weighted at the clinic and asked the nurse whether the weighing machine is functioning properly (then she replied me saying tht most people don't seem to have any problems with the results).
2 weeks ago, i weighted myself in my room and barf at the figure that stared back at me. i kicked the weighing machine several times, tuned it and then stepped on it again. the same double digits swirled to a stop.
1 week ago, i weighted at the exercise equipment store on an electronic weighing machine AFTER dinner and there they were again, the nightmare-ish numbers.
37kg.
and 37.6kg after dinner.
what the hell is wrong with me?????
i've stumbled into some pro-ana and mia blogrings yesterday and that rotten feeling came back to me....again. Do u know how does it feel when you read pro-ana and pro-mia blog entries for 30 mins? Ghastly. absolutely horrific. All blogs have several common themes: Nicole Ritchie/Lindsay Lohan/ Mary-kate Olsen/ Keira knightly were their ultimate thinspiration (that's the common word found among the blogs); nearly all of them weight less than 110lbs and still equally thinks that they are OVERWEIGHT; most consume only a meal a day and felt really proud of it.
the longer i read these entries, the more i'm feeling scared, and the more i will come to think that i'm part of this world as well,which i absolutely have no intention of joining in. these girls DO crave for normal food (chocolate, ice cream, popcorn,pasta...) AND a will to stop themselves from consuming it. even if they eat it, they will definitely plurge it out, several times a day.
God, minus the plurging part (i've stopped that 2 or 3 months ago), i'm like, what, 99% in this situation! every morning when i look myself into the mirror, still undress, i swear my upper body look exactly like the thinspiration pictures posted in those nutty blogs. Is a 21 inch waist normal?? is it normal when counting chest and rib bones were actually easy?? is having a gollum-like back normal?? is it normal to just eat veges; vermicilli, soup-based food and fruits, nothing other than that continuously for a year?? is it normal to feel scared to let other people know what you have been eating lately?? is not visiting a fast food restaurant for a year normal?? is it normal to be glad when someone commented on your skeletonial figure?? is it normal to think that all of this is normal????
Oh God. i'm insane. i have an eating disorder.i'm anorexic!!
i wish to eat normally. i wish to have meals with my friends. i wish to eat those burgers and pizzas that i've been craving for so long. i wish my breasts would come back.i wish to wear my halter tops once again. i wish to finish that plate of fried rice, fried kuieh tiow, nasi pattaya, fried chicken that is on another person's table. How i wish.
someone please let me know when would that be....
Monday, July 31, 2006
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
End of TV series
Music: Brandy- Sitting up in my room Mood: relaxed...so far
Ahhh...finally the ever-anticipated action-packed, emotion-filled, comedic tv series that got the male species all over the world craving for more, is finally over~~
sometimes i really think that it's a little ridiculous why people would put in so much effort for a mere ball game (like, y isn't this happening in tennis or bicycle racing or taekwondo~:P), but i do admit that i enjoyed watching 22 giants chasing, fighting and falling over for a little rubber ball in 2, sometimes 3 hours' time.
so much to mention about the month-long competition, few of the amusing things that i have found out was that,
1) Ronaldo actually weighted at a whooping 97kg
2) Beckham finally resigned as England team's captain after holding on for 6 years
3) born in 1 April, 1983, France's Iraq-ish looking Franck Ribery is only as old as Shao Pin
4) the game between Brazil and Ghana looks freaking Brokeback
5)Roberto Carlos is only 167cm
6) expert lip- readers revealed that Materazzi has said, "We all know that your mother is a terrorist bich" to Zidane, while in chinese newspapers, "你是意大利養出來的一隻忘恩負義的狗", which sent Zidane off the field after a headbutt.
Ahhh...finally the ever-anticipated action-packed, emotion-filled, comedic tv series that got the male species all over the world craving for more, is finally over~~
sometimes i really think that it's a little ridiculous why people would put in so much effort for a mere ball game (like, y isn't this happening in tennis or bicycle racing or taekwondo~:P), but i do admit that i enjoyed watching 22 giants chasing, fighting and falling over for a little rubber ball in 2, sometimes 3 hours' time.
so much to mention about the month-long competition, few of the amusing things that i have found out was that,
1) Ronaldo actually weighted at a whooping 97kg
2) Beckham finally resigned as England team's captain after holding on for 6 years
3) born in 1 April, 1983, France's Iraq-ish looking Franck Ribery is only as old as Shao Pin
4) the game between Brazil and Ghana looks freaking Brokeback
5)Roberto Carlos is only 167cm
6) expert lip- readers revealed that Materazzi has said, "We all know that your mother is a terrorist bich" to Zidane, while in chinese newspapers, "你是意大利養出來的一隻忘恩負義的狗", which sent Zidane off the field after a headbutt.
7) i'll just put this in anyway...Victoria Beckham brought along 60 pairs of sunglasses from England.
8) Golden Ball 2006: Zinedine Zidane (followed closely by Cannavaro and Pirlo)
Golden Boot 2006: Germany's Miroslav Klose with 5 goals (Bah..Ronaldo scored 8 goals in 2002)
Best Goalkeeper: Italy's Gianluigi Buffon
Most entertaining team: Portugal
Best young player: Germany's Lukas Podolski who scored 3 goals throughout the match. (and he's only 21..damn)
And my conclusion? i would always choose pasta over french fries :D
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