music: core of soul-somebody loves you mood: lonely
it was fun at first, having to shed all those extra pounds and unsightly bulges. pretty and tight clothes, once again fit my body like a glove. that was what happened AT FIRST.
form 5 was the year where i heard all about self-induced vomitting, from a friend who does it for 'indigestion problems'. out of curiousity, i did it for the first time after one of my big meals. stucking two fingers into my throat was all i knew, it was difficult at first but after the feat of pushing it deeper and deeper into my throat, every bit of the meal came pouring out full blast from my mouth. i really never thought of continuing it again because it felt so horrible, but dear god...i actually got hooked to it. i dropped from 48kg to 45kg in two weeks' time, just to fit into that prom dress i borrowed from my small-framed cousin.
the urge to vomit stopped eventually when i reached Alpha since i'm living with so many housemates under a roof, it wouldn't have been a good sign if they heard me vomiting in the toilet for too many times. i controlled my food intake at first, but for no reason, i became lazy and so unbothered about the pounds i'm piling on slowly. i went onto binge eating, grabbing food within my sight,eating at every moment even though i don't feel hungry at all. i hated the mirror, the weighing machine and slim- bodied friends.
then it came back to me again. actually it didn't happened on purpose because it was caused by one of the bad ulcers around my mouth, so bad that i couldn't feel my food, that i can only finish half my food every single time, and that so happened to be during Chinese New Year. i became self conscious that i'm losing a little weight very slowly, then i was stucked right there.
i vomitted nearly every heavy meal that i had, counted calories of food and only crave for very low calorie ones. i couldn't get enough nutrients from my consumed food,i soon craved for laxatives for detoxifications. my clothes started getting baggier and baggier as my body became thinner and thinner. i get exhausion after climbing a few steps of stairs and felt like fainting when i stand too long.i'm weighing at 90 pounds, obviously too light for my height. i can feel the bones around my chest and back now, my colar bones painfully sticking out and my chest is getting smaller... the point is, i don't really cared about that! when people commented on how skinny i'm getting nowadays, i don't go as far as thinking it as a compliment BUT i never really bothered on gaining weight anymore. you want to know something even more idiotic? i can actually compare myself to other anorexic celebrities,whom i think isn't a nice sight at all. i don't understand myself anymore.
the stiff fact is, i'm suffering from eating disorder. yes, EATING DISORDER. from bullimia to binge eating to and bullimia again. i'm so scared to turn to anyone for proffesional help, i just want to stay thin and healthy, not thin and ill. i think my condition is improving now, at least i feel like eating some higher carbohidrate food than those i used to consume. it isn't easy AT ALL to fight this off since this just doesn't accumulate in a day. i need time, i just don't want to die so young.
i hope more people read what i've wrote here and i hope u guys can leave me some supporting comments~~
(oh yeah, i've found this really really weird phenomenon of pro-ana and pro-mia on the net where people, mostly young girls support eating disorders. here's a really sick site that i've found http://www.freewebs.com/ana__/wall.html. they actually teach people ways to hide ur food on a family outing, how to stop food cravings..etc. gross~)
Thursday, July 07, 2005
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
movie review : Normal
this movie, Normal, is about a seemly 'normal' factory worker Roy Applewood ( Tom Wilkinson), a man in his near fifties, who faces the biggest challenge in his life when he thinks that he is 'a woman trapped in a man's body'. his wife of 25 years, Irma ( Jessica Lange) is being put in difficulties to accept her husband's sex change decision. while Roy's adolescent daughter,tomboy Patty Ann finds curiousity in her father's decision, Wayne, their rock roadie son struggles to understand.
i find the movie a heart warming one. it taught me a lesson on learning more to respect others' decison and ultimately, for being courageous. in our daily lives, we should learn to be more courteous. i even thought that it is victorious just to make a sensible decision out of the ordinary.we do not want to be viewed as freaks, but convincing others to trust us is another story. if we lose out confidence in ourselves, how do you expect others to believe in you? winning and conquering our mental minds is a huge everyday task; forcing yourselves to wake up early in the morning for classes, enduring physically in boring lectures, accepting majority or dominant decisions whether you like it or not, getting aware of the current fashion faux.....'Understanding' is needed when we try to step into other's shoes and 'courage' is needed when others' do not approve of you.
even if the society is getting more and more rebelious, being a crossdresser is still a doubt for acceptance.i love how the movie brings out its meaningful and unambigous bits, like how Roy started out by wearing female perfume, then gold female earings and a total makeover in womens' clothes...and oh, breasts. he got beaten up by his colleague, a scrawl over his car and got 'invited' out of his church. it is love that changes the perception of his family towards him and eventually accepting him wholely as a 'woman'.
three cheers to the casts of Normal for bringing out and portraying such a wonderful journey of life!
i find the movie a heart warming one. it taught me a lesson on learning more to respect others' decison and ultimately, for being courageous. in our daily lives, we should learn to be more courteous. i even thought that it is victorious just to make a sensible decision out of the ordinary.we do not want to be viewed as freaks, but convincing others to trust us is another story. if we lose out confidence in ourselves, how do you expect others to believe in you? winning and conquering our mental minds is a huge everyday task; forcing yourselves to wake up early in the morning for classes, enduring physically in boring lectures, accepting majority or dominant decisions whether you like it or not, getting aware of the current fashion faux.....'Understanding' is needed when we try to step into other's shoes and 'courage' is needed when others' do not approve of you.
even if the society is getting more and more rebelious, being a crossdresser is still a doubt for acceptance.i love how the movie brings out its meaningful and unambigous bits, like how Roy started out by wearing female perfume, then gold female earings and a total makeover in womens' clothes...and oh, breasts. he got beaten up by his colleague, a scrawl over his car and got 'invited' out of his church. it is love that changes the perception of his family towards him and eventually accepting him wholely as a 'woman'.
three cheers to the casts of Normal for bringing out and portraying such a wonderful journey of life!
Saturday, April 16, 2005
for the longest time...
Music: Jamiroquai-Love Foolosophy Mood: free
there, i lay my pen down, proofread a little, closed my booklet and handed it to the invigilator. someone let out an exhausted triumph scream and it seemed contagious enough to make the rest of us follow suit.
i flipped the question papers consciously while discussing with some 'comrade' who seemed to be confident enough to score an A, and my eyebrows obediently crumbled. when i'm feeling as if the world failed me again, another 'comrade' came up and said something that i've longed to hear for the past few minutes, guiltiness struck me once again for not listening to what Ms. Flora had warned us about, ' Do not, i repeat, DO NOT ever discuss anything after you've done your test. everything's OVER.' heh. wise thinking. luckily i got my part correct ,at least ^^
i felt feverish, bloated, dizzy...and a funny tingling feeling at the same time when i got home. God...i knew this feeling once upon a time back in high school. i thought i'd never recover it again, thought i already lost it for good. this is the utmost touch that i couldn't even had the guts to pray for, this is... relief. thank you so much for finding your way back to me again.
i hated the feeling of guilt and gloom that gets stuck to me right after every test, till i nearly wanted to get used to it. i'm tired of striving. i'm tired of competition.i'm hopeless. a mere 'pass' is what i've been wishing for for the past 2 years. i can't remember what really motivate me to push myself physically and mentally to try extremely hard this time. it got me that i actually NEVER did my test at ease throughout my finals before. yes, i never. heck, but not this time.
it's raining outside. is that a relieved sign? ^^
God am i happy!
there, i lay my pen down, proofread a little, closed my booklet and handed it to the invigilator. someone let out an exhausted triumph scream and it seemed contagious enough to make the rest of us follow suit.
i flipped the question papers consciously while discussing with some 'comrade' who seemed to be confident enough to score an A, and my eyebrows obediently crumbled. when i'm feeling as if the world failed me again, another 'comrade' came up and said something that i've longed to hear for the past few minutes, guiltiness struck me once again for not listening to what Ms. Flora had warned us about, ' Do not, i repeat, DO NOT ever discuss anything after you've done your test. everything's OVER.' heh. wise thinking. luckily i got my part correct ,at least ^^
i felt feverish, bloated, dizzy...and a funny tingling feeling at the same time when i got home. God...i knew this feeling once upon a time back in high school. i thought i'd never recover it again, thought i already lost it for good. this is the utmost touch that i couldn't even had the guts to pray for, this is... relief. thank you so much for finding your way back to me again.
i hated the feeling of guilt and gloom that gets stuck to me right after every test, till i nearly wanted to get used to it. i'm tired of striving. i'm tired of competition.i'm hopeless. a mere 'pass' is what i've been wishing for for the past 2 years. i can't remember what really motivate me to push myself physically and mentally to try extremely hard this time. it got me that i actually NEVER did my test at ease throughout my finals before. yes, i never. heck, but not this time.
it's raining outside. is that a relieved sign? ^^
God am i happy!
Thursday, March 10, 2005
Victory! (i think~)
music:Judas Priest-Revolution mood: a little less hot
man am i rushing here! btw, nice music playing on my list now ^^
it's the 6th of March, Sunday. The 5th Micros Chinese Singing Competition, where the 'unexpected' happened,where happiness took place.
It's a day to remember where i first officially enter a competition in MMU and won something in return~ it's totally nerve wrecking behind the stage...i get the same feeling everytime i'm there, butterflies in my stomach and numbness crawls all over me.
Sweeping all 4 prizes was just something totally unexpected, especially both the most favourable group and singles trophies. Coming in 2nd place, too, wrecked the confidence in us...a little. felt like blaming it to someone hehe... nah, it's all over now. I felt nice to be recognized as someone who really knows how to sing, that's all i wanted to experience.
i congratulate those who strived hard for a recognition, coz i think everyone of us can sense the aftertaste now.for those whom i've got to know better in this whole competition, i thank you for making the event a success.
that's us on stage, gripping hearts~!
mine!mine!
can't believe we won all of these
man am i rushing here! btw, nice music playing on my list now ^^
it's the 6th of March, Sunday. The 5th Micros Chinese Singing Competition, where the 'unexpected' happened,where happiness took place.
It's a day to remember where i first officially enter a competition in MMU and won something in return~ it's totally nerve wrecking behind the stage...i get the same feeling everytime i'm there, butterflies in my stomach and numbness crawls all over me.
Sweeping all 4 prizes was just something totally unexpected, especially both the most favourable group and singles trophies. Coming in 2nd place, too, wrecked the confidence in us...a little. felt like blaming it to someone hehe... nah, it's all over now. I felt nice to be recognized as someone who really knows how to sing, that's all i wanted to experience.
i congratulate those who strived hard for a recognition, coz i think everyone of us can sense the aftertaste now.for those whom i've got to know better in this whole competition, i thank you for making the event a success.
that's us on stage, gripping hearts~!
mine!mine!
can't believe we won all of these
The Trauma
music: none mood: hot
my god. how long have i left this blog for good? the sucky phone line does...and laziness conquered all over me. sheeeesh... i'm gonna jam every damn thing that deteriorated my life, in any means, right here, right now. so,blogger stop haunting me in my dreams.
oh kay... 6th Feb 2005, the fourth day of CNY, 5am. i nearly ended my life with shao pin when he slept with his eyes OPEN while driving. Half summersaulted into a 90 degree position after speeding up a small hill before landing into a 2-meter deep longkang and being saved by a MPM (Majlis Perbandaran Melaka?) palm tree. when 2 motorists stopped right behind us and saved us out of our beautifully overturned car, all i can say when they questioned me about my wellness is,' takut...takut...' too weak to stand on my own two feet, i could only sit beside the road while pondered at how we could survived that crash without any major injuries.
i'm too lazy to elaborate everything, here's the link that lead to every single detail on how we managed to score our new stunt by Shao Pin,done while he's studying his Analog and Digital Comm. paper.(damn, i'm running up and down to refresh my memory already)http://www.geocities.com/cshaopin/stunt
oh btw, no one stopped by the road to check our number plate since it's already been crushed to pieces~the total cost? u guess. it's a whopping RM3000, my man --__--
cool,eh? you don't want to be in there.
my god. how long have i left this blog for good? the sucky phone line does...and laziness conquered all over me. sheeeesh... i'm gonna jam every damn thing that deteriorated my life, in any means, right here, right now. so,blogger stop haunting me in my dreams.
oh kay... 6th Feb 2005, the fourth day of CNY, 5am. i nearly ended my life with shao pin when he slept with his eyes OPEN while driving. Half summersaulted into a 90 degree position after speeding up a small hill before landing into a 2-meter deep longkang and being saved by a MPM (Majlis Perbandaran Melaka?) palm tree. when 2 motorists stopped right behind us and saved us out of our beautifully overturned car, all i can say when they questioned me about my wellness is,' takut...takut...' too weak to stand on my own two feet, i could only sit beside the road while pondered at how we could survived that crash without any major injuries.
i'm too lazy to elaborate everything, here's the link that lead to every single detail on how we managed to score our new stunt by Shao Pin,done while he's studying his Analog and Digital Comm. paper.(damn, i'm running up and down to refresh my memory already)http://www.geocities.com/cshaopin/stunt
oh btw, no one stopped by the road to check our number plate since it's already been crushed to pieces~the total cost? u guess. it's a whopping RM3000, my man --__--
cool,eh? you don't want to be in there.
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
what is your true hidden power?
Angel
You have a happy yes quite soul. You keep
somethings to yourself and like to be alone but
don't mind showing your bright side to your
friends. You find that hell is the worst of all
scince your an angl from heavan. You use your
powers for the forces of good to protect gods
creatures.
Gem Stone: Canary Diamond, Eye
Color:Golden,Hair Color:Blonde that
goes to your shoulders
Quote:In my field of paper flowersAnd candy clouds of lulabyI lie inside myself for hoursAnd watch my purple sky fly over me
What Is Your True Hidden Power? .::Beautiful Anime Pics::.
brought to you by
Friday, January 21, 2005
Speaking up
music: none mood: feverish
words are dangerous weapons. it's probably deadly if one is unable to handle and control them.
i admit that i'm not very good at conveying myself when i need to and thus, putting myself in deep waters. my mouth is always quicker than my brain reaction...most of the time. when i say 'i'll try my best to do it', my mind actually screamed 'no i can't do that!' and when i really mean 'i don't really like you', it'll turn out to be a disasterous 'i like you alot!' T_T i don't get it why i couldn't get myself to say a big No! i don't know how to reject rubbish leaflets, irritating donation collectors and confessions from guys whom i'm not interested to; i'm too stupid to reject things that make my life miserable!
so many 'if i didn't do that then this wouldn't had happened bla bla...' . life was so messed up since 2 years ago when i'm suppose to leave the person whom i'm no longer in love with, why didn't i make up my mind earlier? nope, i made my decision and actually told him everything, but what happens is that i always regret to what i've poured out and things eventually turned out to be I am the one who is apologizing and begging for a come back. man...what an idiot b***h... *heck, why am i writing all these~i hate talking about love especially when it turns sour...so revolting*
Lots of people think that i'm weird just because i don't do things that most people (girls, to be exact) does-- i hate pop, i don't hang out with big gangs of girls who bitch about each other, i curse, i'm too open-minded, i argue too much with my parents... so many to name. what is wrong to do things i want if it doesn't hurt anyone openly?i don't know how to speak up, so i act out. i might have not been telling everyone that i love them but i'm a very loyal person(honest!), i'm just (i'm doing it again..) too shy to voice out. too shy to almost say anything that i desire, things that can make me feel better.
well ,this always sums up to why i'm always the one who says sorry, (might be a surprising figure if i can count them in a day) . guess i need to boost my confidence before i get any older...
sorry for keeping you here for so long...
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
Monday, January 17, 2005
my first ever blog~!
music: soft jazz mood: tired
bugger... it took me so long to move my fingers just to do something i longed for more than a year~ oh well, i'll just have to get used to people looking at my private life, be it nice or sucky. (mostly sucky, that's the reason why i named it scandal >_<)
To start off, i had quite a tiring Sunday, not having enough sleep again. Slept at 8a.m. and woke up approximately at 12p.m. for the reason of finishing a set of comics (pathetic eh? i've been this way for quite some time ~) Song practice in the afternoon made me feel even drowsier than never, though i admit that salary collection does helps a little to improve my mood in that scorching afternoon ^^.
Big discovery : Kai Siang cursed!! haha, we were being caught in front of a red light if not because of an idiotic car who doesn't recognise what green light means MOVE ON! well it just slipped off his mouth *just like that* and ahem, i find it quite amusing teehee~
poor pin, he had a rough night at that JLS Cultural Nite performance, the emcee screwed everything by calling their names on stage for a SECOND round of performance without any preparations! God... it's a good thing that he stormed off the stage right after putting up a lousy show.
oh yes... we had free supper courtesy of Xin Sheng who poured out unrevealed story after story
of some people whom we should not be speaking of =P
i'm pretty tired now, seriously need to die on my bed immediately. Adios!
bugger... it took me so long to move my fingers just to do something i longed for more than a year~ oh well, i'll just have to get used to people looking at my private life, be it nice or sucky. (mostly sucky, that's the reason why i named it scandal >_<)
To start off, i had quite a tiring Sunday, not having enough sleep again. Slept at 8a.m. and woke up approximately at 12p.m. for the reason of finishing a set of comics (pathetic eh? i've been this way for quite some time ~) Song practice in the afternoon made me feel even drowsier than never, though i admit that salary collection does helps a little to improve my mood in that scorching afternoon ^^.
Big discovery : Kai Siang cursed!! haha, we were being caught in front of a red light if not because of an idiotic car who doesn't recognise what green light means MOVE ON! well it just slipped off his mouth *just like that* and ahem, i find it quite amusing teehee~
poor pin, he had a rough night at that JLS Cultural Nite performance, the emcee screwed everything by calling their names on stage for a SECOND round of performance without any preparations! God... it's a good thing that he stormed off the stage right after putting up a lousy show.
oh yes... we had free supper courtesy of Xin Sheng who poured out unrevealed story after story
of some people whom we should not be speaking of =P
i'm pretty tired now, seriously need to die on my bed immediately. Adios!
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